Friday, May 05, 2006

Contemplating Suicide

Those who are reading this please don't get alarmed. I'm never going to do it -- no matter what. I keep thinking about it all the time, but that is just me :-)

This is just an inpromptu reflection after hearing a lot about the recent suicide at IITK. Please bear in mind that it is inpromtu and I'm sitting a stupid internet cafe right now with a sick keyboard.

It is true that I have contemplated suicide a lot many times during my stay in IITK. Not that I'm even going to do it. I'm always reminded of my family and friends and the immense amount of support that they give me and so I can never do it, but yes, I am forced to think about it often.

So why do I think about it? Mostly because my CPI is 6.5 which is miserably low for IITK, even for Civil Engg. department. Why is my CPI low? Because I do not go to class, I do not do my assignments and I do not take my studies seriously at all. And why do I do all that? I don't really know. Most probably I'm not interested in the course I'm pursuing. Perhaps I'm interested but the courses are not being conducted in an interesting manner.

I have never been interested in the grades that I get. I do not remember my tenth or twelfth board exam marks, something most people can recite without thinking twice when woken up in the middle of the night. I often forget my JEE rank -- a number that is almost sacred to most IITians. Thus the fact that each attendance has 1% wieghtage and that assignments would get me 15% of the total credit for the course are facts that are as insignificant to me as the cockroach in the corner of my hostel room.

That is why I don't take my courses serously. What matter to me is the beauty of the subject which, fortunately, some really good professors have sometimes revealed to me. Yes, there certainly are good professors in IITs. But they are few, too few. Still, I'm grateful for them.

But an appreciation for the beauty of the subject, or the scope and expase of the field does not get you a job. It does not get you a scholarship. CPI does that. And that is what I do not have. I look at my books in the beginning of the semester and I feel so excited. There is this whole world of exciting stuff waiting to be explored. But that is only till I start attending classes where the whole exciting world is turned into the dark and morose torture of exams, exams and more exams.

At the end of it all, I'm left with no sense of accomplishment at all. I feel so insignificant in this world that life does not seem worth living at all. When I look back at the three years I've been here I see nothing. There is nothing I've learnt, there is nothing I've done. Add to this the numerous people around you who are doing really great things and going really great places. (In retrospect all this complaining seems rather childish. After all there is no free lunch in this world. If you dream about getting to MIT, which is like a dream life for me, you have to work hard and you have to get good grades, no matter what. But who said contemplating suicide was a rational activity? heh heh)

And it is not only that. I have nothing to look forward to as well. At best I'll end up with a stupid software job that will most probably take me nowhere at best or somwhere I don't want to be at worst. With that kind of CPI I can never do what I want to with my life.

All this drives me to think about ending this miserable life. I'm not really sure whether it is good or bad that I'll never be able to do it myself.