Saturday, April 23, 2005
There are actually very few people in this world whom I like. I would like to characterize them but I cannot. Its just too difficult. Lets see - intelligence? That is highly subjective. But I think my friends are always intelligent. And non conventional. My friends are always strange people. For I am strange too. But then, I guess, everyone is strange.
Lets get back to Behzad. He's studying History. I wish I could do it. If there is something nice about the American life - its the freedom to study what you want to study. I am really happy that Behzad can do it. Not stuck up with stereotypes like me in India.
There is a 90% probability that Behzad will read this post. I hope he'd like it and we can remake our friendship from now. Not to mention that I want to do higher studies and perhaps he can help me. ;-)
People tell me that Civil people from my institute do not get a schol for higher studies. So they tell me not to prepare for GRE. Perhaps they are right. Perhaps I should not. I don't know. Nothing else attracts me. I thought about all my options in detail and this is the only prospect that excites me. I might end up doing something else, I don't know. Is there a point in trying if there is not chance of success? Is there not a chance of success? Do I have courage enough to face the odds against me? Are the odds really against me? A lot of questions . . .
Friday, April 22, 2005
Then when I came back I immediately met Ankan in the mess hall. I snapped at the sight of him. This is another guy who is pissing me off regularly. Now, why should I work for Meander when the end sems are just round the corner. Had he asked me to work a couple of weeks ago I would have sat him in his room and delivered Meander to him packed and decorated. But no, he sks me to work when my greatest concern is not to get a backlog this semester. It makes me feel bad - because I have to constantly refuse him. I have to constantly hurt his feelings. I do not derive pleasure out of hurting others. But if you put me in a situation where I must - then I must.
Anyway, I did have to go to the printer. Atul Jain was with me. I do not have any complaints against him this time. He did his work well. But then I had to hurt him too. It was getting late and I was too eager to get back home. I refused to work in his face. Sometimes I feel that I am just feeding my ego at the expense of these people. I know that they need me and I know that I'm under no obligation to do their work. So I talk to them as if they are nobodys. I ridicule them. I deride them. How pathetic I am.
But then, when you have a bad day, all sort of things happen.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
The other one is the whole religious debate going on inside Stephan. This again resonates with thoughts that I have personally experienced. Religion was a big issue once in my life. I have transformed from a totally ignorant child to a devoutly religious teen to finally an atheist. When I say an atheis I do not mean some one sho does not believe in god. God may exist for all I know. It is just that I do not need god in my life. I do not need to pray. I do not need to believe in an almighty. My philosophy of life resonates a lot with Stephans and hence (according to critics) with Joyce's. I want to break free of all systems. I want to recognise that although some systems may be desirable and the others despicable, they are, in the end, just that - systems. All are man made, made to suit the requirements of certain place, time and people. They should not be given undue importance in life. No man should feel more attachment to them than is necessary. If it becomes necessary to change them - change them. If it becomes necessary to throw them away - throw them away. That is why I keep no attachments with the past. I don't like to keep photographs. For me they are mans attachment with his past. He should break out of it as soon as possible. All things are ephemeral, after all.
The sexual debate is not something that I can Identify with. Perhaps due to entirely different cultural background. Or perhaps I am yet to come to terms with my sexuality. I don't know. This particular thing is too complicated to think about.
The whole problem with present day time management is that most work environments demand you to perform a variety of tasks simultaneously. In other words you have to multi task. Multi tasking is not natural to humans. That causes the whole problem. The first problem with multitasking is that one does mediocre work. But one is afraid of doing mediocre work. Therefore one is in a perpetual dilemma about how to work. The solution is to do mediocre work only. Divide your work into two types. One for which mediocre is acceptable and one for which it is not. For which it is not, set aside large chunks of time when you can do them at a stretch with freedom.
Monday, April 18, 2005
This is my first post ever. It is incomprehensible why people ever test thigs like this. After all thousands of people are using this site and it must be working fine. Still, I have to test it. Human nature is strange. Perhaps the cheif motif behind this testing is to have a blog as soon as possible so that I can look at it and feel happy. That makes sense. Why wait untill you have something to write? Just test right away and have a blog ready. So here goes . . .
The last three dots remind me of something. A habit with people that I hate. Some people never frame proper sentences when they write e mails. They will just keep on putting dots. Like this -
Hi . . . how r u . . . hope you are fine . . . i wanted to write . . . but coudn't . . .
I hate this. Its sooooooooooo irritating. Perhaps people do this so that they get time to think between two sentences. Some people cannot think while they write. Such people are not good writers. Good writers can ususally think well while they write. Like me. :-) In fact I think better while I'm writing.
I think that is all. I wonder if someone will read this. Should advertise this URL in my signature.